I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
