i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.