she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!