He had one of those small greek statue penises
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone