oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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