So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
