i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
