I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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