I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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