Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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