It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
