Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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