Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
