Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
