Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
