I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
