Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
