you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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