4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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