Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
