omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I supernannyed him into submission
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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