I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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