Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
