can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
