After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
