how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize