I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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