i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
