I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
