dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I want to fling myself into the sun
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
