You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
