mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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