I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I looked at my own cervix.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
