how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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