her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
