When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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