It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
