If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
