I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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