i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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