I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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