just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
