All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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