He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
