you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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