Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
