if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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