guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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