Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
