I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
