I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
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He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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