Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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