I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
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is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
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Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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