Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
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My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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