Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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