he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
