I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
