If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
