Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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