id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
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The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
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